Tuesday, January 28, 2014

You wake up.

You wake up early in the morning because you want to go to the gym.

Your first class is at 11:10 AM and your body tends to get up at 7:00 AM, no matter how long you've slept or where you are, but you're a very slow riser so the annoying alarm on your phone becomes a necessity rather than overkill. Besides you have some work you haven't done, and although you have a four hour gap between classes to do it in, it's always better to be safe than sorry.

So. You get up.

You're roommate's still asleep as you search for your gym clothes even with all the commotion your making but you've since learned that he sleeps like the dead. The muttering dead. He talks in his sleep. In fact he says something now and you wonder, briefly, what he's dreaming about and you wonder if your restlessness has influenced his dream.

You put on all your clothes. You pack everything you need for class too. You have four hours. You're about to go to the gym but you have plenty of time because you are prepared and well adjusted this morning.

And then...And then...

And then you don't move. You don't get up. You don't and you don't and you don't and you crawl back into bed because the world seems a little too vast and you've taken on a little too many commitments at once. The gym is new. The blog is new. Your brewing some other new projects as well. Besides you have four hours, right? Four hours. You tell yourself this as you curl back into bed.

After the first hour you berate yourself. You must be lazy to be so scared of your own potential. You're making your life better not worse, richer not poorer. Why are you so stupid?!

The second hour is the worst because you gave in and went to sleep. You don't want to think about the second hour.

The third hour you get up. You are going to the gym. You will not let anxiety beat you...After you watch the new episode of "Looking" on HBO.

"Looking" is okay.

After it's over there's only an hour left and you haven't eaten, and you haven't reviewed your reading for the 11:10 class and you're so disappointed, and disgusted with yourself that you just don't want to go to school at all today. Why bother, right? You fail your resolutions immediately after making them so isn't class wasted on you? Why no accept you won't amount to anything?

You go to class. You had to force yourself. It was hard and you were about to have a breakdown. Also the weather outside is what you imagine Hell to be like, if there were a Hell anywhere else but inside you.

However, class is fantastic! You always forget how much you like to learn until you're learning. You're classmates are making intelligent arguments about the text and, a little to your surprise, you are arguing, counter-arguing, extending, and circumnavigating them like a professional scholar. You're annoying classroom know it all voice comes on and you don't care. Nether does anyone else for that matter since they've got their's on too.

You love college.

After class you go to the Gym. The Gym is intimidating.

When you're not breaking down, you're an extrovert so normally people around you give off energy. However in the gym no one talks to one another and everyone judges their neighbors. While you have a very nice body, it's desperately, hopelessly, out of shape.

(Or at leasts that how it seems to you. While you're still in a fairly good mood from your class, you've learned not to trust how things can seem to you sometimes.)

So you get on the treadmill and run for thirty minutes with a four minute and three minute cool-down on either end. Even so your are sore, but good sore. No pain no gain, right? (You've never really understood what that means).

After that comes stretching, and after stretching comes pushups and crunches and after those comes a little exercise a friend gave to you by text-message (a most effective way to coach) it's over. Very quickly. Almost painlessly, although you are still sore. There was never anything to be worried about.

But you worry. You should stop doing that.

1 comment:

  1. You'll never stop worrying, not really. But you will learn how to ignore the worry and let go.

    And as a friend at my birthday said to me, you're gorgeous!